The Moviejerk
  • Home
  • Film Reviews
  • Latest News
  • Features
  • Retrospective
Subscribe
The Moviejerk
491
3K
912
145
The Moviejerk
  • Home
  • Film Reviews
  • Latest News
  • Features
  • Retrospective
  • Film Reviews
  • Mainstream

Dark Shadows (2012)

  • Posted on May 30, 2012June 4, 2012
  • 239 views
  • 3 minute read
  • Janz Anton-Iago
Total
4
Shares
0
0
4
DIRECTOR: Tim Burton | CAST: Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham-Carter, Eva Green, Chloe Grace Moretz | SCREENPLAY: Seth Grahame-Smith | PRODUCER: Warner Bros. Pictures | RUNNING-TIME: 113 mins |  GENRE: Fantasy/Comedy | COUNTRY: USA

Watching a Tim Burton and Johnny Depp collaboration is like drinking the same old wine you’ve been frequently buying from your local Oddbins for years – slightly full-bodied, strong in colour with eccentric taste but too familiar in structure and lacking oomph that you’ll end up craving for something more daring, something spicier and edgier with a compelling finish. Dark Shadows, the eighth lovechild of the Burton-Depp conception, is that same old concoction that neither impresses nor breaks the mould. In fact this film settles for inane mediocrity, it’s difficult to feel anything for this entry to the pair’s quite eclectic catalogue. Both have achieved varying degrees of success and failure, from the grace notes of Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood and Sweeney Todd to the bumming boredom of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the rather atrocious Alice in the Wonderland. Dark Shadows falls in between, neither gloriously great nor distressingly bad, a campy, if kitschy and clichéd, Gothic melodrama with shades of dark comedy and oddity that’s very much Burtonesque.

As ever, Depp runs away as the show’s one-and-only ace – a twitchy, perplexed performance of such deadpan humour and over-emphasised theatrics as the 200-year old accursed bloodsucker Barnabas Collins. His emergence from his medieval grave and into Collinsport, Maine circa 1972 makes the first half a genuinely funny fish-out-of-water comedy, as the romantic vampire curses at McDonald’s signage as ‘Mephistopheles!’, freaks out at the sight of concrete roads, repelled by lava lamps, outraged at the lack of household servitude and sucking the local hippies dry. Depp is so good in the role that when he’s offscreen, the film verges on sheer catatonia. There are wonderful minor turns courtesy of Michelle Pfeiffer and Helena Bonham-Carter as chilly matriarch Elizabeth Collins and boozy psychiatrist Dr. Hoffman respectively, and devilish turn from Eva Green as the film’s highfalutin villain Angelique Bouchard – but even these cannot glue over the gaping plotholes gnawing from front, left and centre. An obvious caveat – has anyone every noticed that Barbabas Collins has no other siblings? Which basically presents no rational reason how on earth Collins descendants walked the face of the Earth, since her fiancée fell of a cliff. Unless she was pregnant and had magical birthing hips or something. Or unless Barnabas has been fucking a witch.

Which he has! Introducing us to Green’s witchy temptress, whose character’s existence is not only monodimensional but also illogical. A 200-year old witch remains as beautiful and alabaster as Eva Green because of er – magic. Nice touch. That piece of voodoo better be on the market, giving Botox a good run for its money. And there’s also Bella Heathcote’s underwritten role of Victoria Winters, who just happens to be Barnabas’ love interest because – surprise everyone! – she just looks exactly like that dame who fell off the cliff in the prologue. Of course, it’s the same fucking actress! It’s a role so palely written that by the time she opens her mouth to say something to Barnabas, you couldn’t really give a rat’s arse. Plus there’s a climax so overwrought yet underdeveloped you’d be grasping for the nearest pointed stake and plunge it into this film’s cold, unbeating heart.

VERDICT:

This is Tim Burton settling for mediocrity, and it’s no compliment. Despite Depp being hilariously cheesy and dead-cert funny, Dark Shadows’ toothless and bloodless execution doesn’t quite achieve a workable balance between Gothic soap-opera and camp comedy. But at least it’s not as bad as Alice in the Wonderland.

 

Total
4
Shares
Like 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 4
Related Topics
  • Chloe Grace Moretz
  • Dark Shadows
  • Eva Green
  • Helena Bonham-Carter
  • Johnny Depp
  • Michelle Pfeiffer
  • Tim Burton
Janz Anton-Iago

Founder & Editor of The Moviejerk - a UK film blog dedicated to the cinematic experience, featuring no-holds-barred film reviews, movie chatter, occasional rants and passionate film lovin'.

Previous Article
  • Film Reviews
  • Mainstream

J. Edgar (2011)

  • Posted on May 29, 2012June 16, 2012
  • Rob Pattenden
View Post
Next Article
  • Latest News
  • Trailers

Let’s Get All Miserable with ‘Les Misérables’ Trailer

  • Posted on May 30, 2012June 9, 2012
  • Janz Anton-Iago
View Post
You May Also Like
View Post
  • Film Reviews

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald (2018)

  • Posted on November 17, 2018November 17, 2018
  • Janz Anton-Iago
View Post
  • Film Reviews

Jackie (2017)

  • Posted on January 28, 2017September 19, 2018
  • Janz Anton-Iago
View Post
  • Film Reviews

Gold (2017)

  • Posted on January 23, 2017February 1, 2017
  • Janz Anton-Iago
View Post
  • Film Reviews

Allied (2016)

  • Posted on November 22, 2016January 23, 2017
  • Janz Anton-Iago
View Post
  • Film Reviews

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them (2016)

  • Posted on November 17, 2016January 23, 2017
  • Janz Anton-Iago
View Post
  • Film Reviews

Me Before You (2016)

  • Posted on July 5, 2016January 23, 2017
  • Janz Anton-Iago
View Post
  • Film Reviews

Possession (1981)

  • Posted on June 26, 2016January 23, 2017
  • Janz Anton-Iago
View Post
  • Film Reviews

The Neon Demon (2016)

  • Posted on June 23, 2016January 23, 2017
  • Janz Anton-Iago
1 comment
  1. Mila says:
    April 26, 2013 at 8:33 am

    I think you nailed it when you said “As ever, Depp runs away as the show’s one-and-only ace”.
    With the exception of “Ed Wood”, this line is true for each of the other Burton-Depp collaboration movies (and, yes, I meant to include Edward Scissorhands in that). Without fail the magnificent, multi-dimensional performances of Johnny Depp are sabotaged by mediocre, half-way-thought-through, unconvincing plots which inevitably succumb to sheer sloppiness towards the end.

    As for Collins Barnabas’s lineage, I believe the movie explains they come from some cousin of his.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

The Moviejerk
  • Advertise
  • Get in Touch
  • Get in touch. I won’t bite.
  • Home
  • Our Origin Story
  • Privacy Policy
  • Shortcodes
  • Terms of Use
  • The Moviejerk | Passionate. No bullshit. Just mad about film.
  • Features
  • Blog
  • Portfolio
  • Contact
  • Shop
Passionate. No bullshit. Just mad about film.

Input your search keywords and press Enter.