Dear Anne Hathaway, I may have doubted your talents and acting chops before, but those doubts may come to an end right here and now. I know everyone’s got to start somewhere, but two Disney Princess Fucking Diaries instalments are just unforgivable to begin with – but then your understated turns in Brokeback Mountain and Rachel Getting Married somehow made us glimpse that you’re more than just a pretty porcelain face, especially with the latter, proving the world you can act and bagged yourself an Oscar nomination. I say well done, girl. And suddenly, you made some erratic choices. For every The Devil Wears Prada (did you really think you’d overshadow the Streep?) there’s Love and Other Drugs and Shit and for every Becoming Jane there’s One Shitty Day. Please, don’t even get me started with Bride Wars.
And out of nowhere, you wrangled yourself out of the rabbit hole and won some rather iconic roles this year. First up, you’re femme-fatale Seline Kyle aka Catwoman in Christopher Nolan’s highly-anticipated The Dark Knight Rises. Next, you’re Fantine, the doomed, imporished underclass in the musical that no human being alive has never heard of, Les Misérables, Tom Hooper’s upcoming cinematic rendition. It’s only 1 minute and 38 seconds in length – but goddammit, I cannot recall the last time I was reduced to a goosebump-y, blubbery wreck by a fucking movie teaser. In a very short amount of time, you had me completely convinced you’ll sing the shit out of Fantine and break everybody’s hearts before we can mention Susan Boyle. Susan, who?
This means we can all get miserable this Christmas season and watch some old-school Hollywood musical about 19th-century human suffering. Let’s start brewing some mulled wine, shall we?
“They cut my fucking haaaiiiirrrrr!!! Gimme some Oscaaar!!”