Fuck Oscars.

Okay, the 84th Annual Academy Awards nominations are in – and Melancholia is out. Fuck you very much, Oscars. Anyone who puts War Horse in their Best Picture list has obviously got no taste. Just because he’s Spielberg doesn’t mean they’re obliged to nominate the dude and his film about a magical pony. Although Spielberg’s got bigger PR lobby than the entire nominated films combined. America is absolutely scared shitless inviting Lars von Trier to the show, as he might give one of his precious Nazi rants. Also, Kirsten Dunst and Tilda Swinton can team up together, go gung-ho and gatecrash the ceremony with AK-47s. Those towering performances from Melancholia and We Need To Talk About Kevin are terribly snubbed.

But I’m not all that bitter. I’m very pleased to see The Artist getting some good love, along with The Tree of Life and Midnight in Paris. Now those three films are definitely worth the mention. And whilst Gary Oldman is deservedly getting attention for his sterling work in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – where the fuck is Michael Fassbender’s name in the list? His performance in Shame is what most actors could ever dream of achieving. Even Carey Mulligan, devastating and compelling in the same film, is shut out of the Best Supporting Actress nod.

So, to prove that this American award-giving body certainly don’t write the Gospel – I present you the nominations for Best Picture in an alternate universe where the Academy Awards have some shred of fucking sense.

But in reality – here’s the shitty nomination list below:

BEST PICTURE
The Artist
The Descendants
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
The Help
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
Moneyball
The Tree of Life
War Horse

BEST DIRECTOR
The Artist – Michel Hazanavicius
The Descendants – Alexander Payne
Hugo – Martin Scorsese
Midnight in Paris – Woody Allen
The Tree of Life – Terrence Malick

BEST ACTOR
Demián Bichir – A Better Life
George Clooney – The Descendants
Jean Dujardin – The Artist
Gary Oldman – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt -Moneyball

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh – My Week with Marilyn
Jonah Hill – Moneyball
Nick Nolte – Warrior
Christopher Plummer – Beginners
Max von Sydow – Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

BEST ACTRESS
Glenn Close – Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis – The Help
Rooney Mara – The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams – My Week with Marilyn

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Bérénice Bejo – The Artist
Jessica Chastain – The Help
Melissa McCarthy – Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer – Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer – The Help

BEST ANIMATED FILM
A Cat in Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The Descendants – Alexander Payne and Nat Faxon &
Jim Rash
Hugo – John Logan
The Ides of March – George Clooney & Grant Heslov and Beau Willimon
Moneyball – Steven Zaillian and Aaron Sorkin
Story by Stan Chervin
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – Bridget O’Connor & Peter Straughan

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
The Artist – Michel Hazanavicius
Bridesmaids – Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig
Margin Call – J.C. Chandor
Midnight in Paris – Woody Allen
A Separation – Asghar Farhadi

ART DIRECTION
The Artist – Production Design: Laurence Bennett, Set Decoration: Robert Gould
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Part 2 – Production Design: Stuart Craig, Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
Hugo – Production Design: Dante Ferretti, Set Decoration: Francesca Lo Schiavo
Midnight in Paris – Production Design: Anne Seibel, Set Decoration: Hélène Dubreuil
War Horse – Production Design: Rick Carter, Set Decoration: Lee Sandales

CINEMATOGRAPHY
The Artist – Guillaume Schiffman
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Jeff Cronenweth
Hugo – Robert Richardson
The Tree of Life – Emmanuel Lubezki
War Horse – Janusz Kaminski

COSTUME DESIGN
Anonymous – Lisy Christl
The Artist – Mark Bridges
Hugo – Sandy Powell
Jane Eyre – Michael O’Connor
W.E. – Arianne Phillips

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Hell and Back Again
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth
Liberation Front
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Pina
Undefeated

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
God Is the Bigger Elvis
Incident in New Baghdad
Saving Face
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

BEST FILM EDITING
The Artist – Anne-Sophie Bion and Michel Hazanavicius
The Descendants – Kevin Tent
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall
Hugo – Thelma Schoonmaker
Moneyball – Christopher Tellefsen

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Bullhead – Belgium
Footnote – Israel
In Darkness – Poland
Monsieur Lazhar – Canada
A Separation – Iran

BEST MAKEUP
Albert Nobbs – Martial Corneville, Lynn Johnston and
Matthew W. Mungle
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Part 2 – Nick Dudman, Amanda Knight and Lisa Tomblin
The Iron Lady – Mark Coulier and J. Roy Helland

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
The Adventures of Tintin – John Williams
The Artist – Ludovic Bource
Hugo – Howard Shore
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy – Alberto Iglesias
War Horse – John Williams

BEST ORIGINAL SONG
Man or Muppet – The Muppets, Music and Lyric by Bret McKenzie
Real in Rio – Rio, Music by Sergio Mendes and Carlinhos Brown
Lyric by Siedah Garrett

BEST ANIMATED SHORT
Dimanche/Sunday – Patrick Doyon
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore – William Joyce and Brandon Oldenburg
La Luna – Enrico Casarosa
A Morning Stroll – Grant Orchard and Sue Goffe
Wild Life – Amanda Forbis and Wendy Tilby

BEST LIVE FILM
Pentecost – Peter McDonald and Eimear O’Kane
Raju – Max Zähle and Stefan Gieren
The Shore – Terry George and Oorlagh George
Time Freak – Andrew Bowler and Gigi Causey
Tuba Atlantic – Hallvar Witzø

BEST SOUND EDITING
Drive – Lon Bender and Victor Ray Ennis
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – Ren Klyce
Hugo – Philip Stockton and Eugene Gearty
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Ethan Van der Ryn and Erik Aadahl
War Horse – Richard Hymns and Gary Rydstrom

BEST SOUND MIXING
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo – David Parker, Michael Semanick, Ren Klyce and Bo Persson
Hugo – Tom Fleischman and John Midgley
Moneyball – Deb Adair, Ron Bochar, Dave Giammarco and
Ed Novick
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers, Jeffrey J. Haboush and Peter J. Devlin
War Horse – Gary Rydstrom, Andy Nelson, Tom Johnson and
Stuart Wilson

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Part 2 – Tim Burke, David Vickery, Greg Butler and
John Richardson
Hugo – Rob Legato, Joss Williams, Ben Grossman and
Alex Henning
Real Steel – Erik Nash, John Rosengrant, Dan Taylor and Swen Gillberg
Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Joe Letteri, Dan Lemmon, R. Christopher White and Daniel Barrett
Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Scott Farrar, Scott Benza, Matthew Butler and John Frazier